


You Got What You Wanted

by itswheremydemonshide10



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Dubious Consent, Gen, Sexual Assault, not very rebecca friendly, see note for more info
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-05 01:05:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12179889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itswheremydemonshide10/pseuds/itswheremydemonshide10
Summary: My take on Robert’s thought process between Thursday and Friday’s episodes, and the obvious parallels with 'the incident'.





	You Got What You Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS FOR THIS ONE.
> 
> TWs: a heavy focus on sexual assault, and consent. This contains a very poor and uninformed understanding of those subjects (not my own opinion, I must stress! But sometimes characters think dumb things, especially if that character is Robert J. Sugden).

The office is quiet, the only sound the rhythmic tapping of his own fingers on the laptop keyboard. It’s early and Lawrence and Rebecca are still asleep, while Robert attempts to finish the report for Rebecca’s meeting that he’d abandoned the night before when he’d stormed out on Lawrence.

This was how Robert had always liked Home Farm best; the quiet, echoing rooms strangely soothing. But for some reason it’s not working today, because his mind is distracted and jittery and a strange slimy feeling has taken up residence in the pit of his stomach. Vic had made him their mum’s special lasagne when he got home last night to try and cheer him up after the disaster in the pub, but he’d turned even that down, retiring to bed early in a vain attempt to ignore the churning sensation in his gut. Sleep had proved elusive again though, his thoughts bouncing around his brain all night like a particularly violent ping-pong ball.

Robert doesn’t understand why he’s feeling like this. It’s not the usual chest punch of guilt and regret he gets every time he sees Aaron’s bright blue eyes. It’s not the desperate frustration that usually accompanies words like “dad” and “pregnant” and “nursery”. This is something else.

_You got what you wanted_

_I was barely awake. You know I was upset about Aaron. You should never have let me go along with it._

_So it’s my fault you came onto me whilst I didn’t know what I was doing?_

Robert couldn’t care less about Lawrence, hadn’t felt an ounce of guilt about any of it. So why does he suddenly feel so damn uncomfortable.

His tired thoughts are all tangled now, as he slams the laptop shut, and goes in search of coffee. Memories of Lawrence’s face contorted in horror and shame rise again. Robert can’t help but wonder if that’s what he had looked like after him and Bex had…

_I must have passed out, because when I woke up she was gone._

Robert tries to ignore the way his hand shakes slightly as he stirs his coffee. Just lack of food and sleep, is what he tells himself.

_If it happened like you say it did… then I apologise._

_I am not that kind of person. I would never, ever attempt to use anybody that way_

He’d expected the shock and disgust from Lawrence, but what he hadn’t expected was the guilt. Lawrence had spent years now despising him, and yet when he had thought that he’d taken advantage of Robert, he’d been genuinely ashamed.

That creeping voice in the back of his head that he was doing his best to ignore, wondered whether Rebecca had felt any shame, when he truly had been drunk enough to lose his memory. Had she felt guilty? Had she felt like she’d taken advantage of him?

He thinks probably not.

The acidic feeling rises to his throat as he remembers the morning after  _that night_. Remembers the confusion and fear at the big black hole in his memory, the note from Rebecca on the bedside table that had sent him lurching to the bathroom to throw up. He remembers feeling stripped bare and vulnerable as he scrubbed his skin raw in the shower, as though he had some horrible disease all over him. He had torn at his own hair as he tried to remember what, how, and why? God why?

Robert tries his best to shake those dangerous thoughts from his head as he sits down at the breakfast bar, staring unseeingly into the dark brown liquid.

He mentally chides himself for being ridiculous. It’s not like Rebecca really did anything wrong, right? He’d gone after her after all, and it’s not like she could physically force him to do anything. Even if he knows he wouldn’t have done what he did while sober.

Not that anybody would believe that. He’s Robert Sugden, infamous cheater. Who would believe him if he said that it was the product of booze and distress? That when he thinks about it he feels queasy. Everyone’s sympathy was with poor,  _innocent_  Rebecca.

No, no! 

He tells himself again, that there are people in the world like Aaron, who truly have been violated and abused, who really are victims. Robert isn’t a victim, he definitely isn’t. He can’t be.

So why does he feel like he is?


End file.
